About that Socialization...

Growing up, my brother and I were homeschooled from 6th (7th for Chad) to 12th grade due to our continuous traveling lifestyle in the singing ministry.  The process gave us the talent for self-motivation and focus on the positive end.  On the negative end?  Seriously awkward social skills to overcome as an adult.  Not fun for anyone, especially us.


I'm pretty sure I've embarrassed the ever-loving sh*t out of not only myself but everyone else around me far too many times to be counted over the years due to improper "socialization" as a child living in such an isolated bubble.  As an adult, I know the difficult struggle I've lived over the past twenty years to come across as something more than a freak with a tiara while I fought tooth and nail to learn how to be considered more of what I considered to be "normal".  Oddly enough, it's the freak with the tiara that seemed to be endearing to people, as long as I didn't embarrass them too much while I embarrassed the fool out of myself. 


I don't blame my parents - they did the best that they could with what they were given.  Turns out they're pretty cool people now, and we'd all change certain things if we could knowing what we do now.  But kids don't come with a manual - it's trial and error growing up, then hopefully a lot of forthright, humbling conversations, love and forgiveness over the years as we age and finally adult together.


One certainly does develop a sense of humor in the process, I assure you.  But then again, I have a face made for comedy and a personality that thrives because of it, so in all actuality it turned out alright.  As does it all, really.  :)


So if you do choose to homeschool your kids, get them out into the real world while they're still malleable enough to bounce back without quite so many internal/external scars.  Talk to them.  Allow them to ask questions and be kids while they're still kids.  Take it from me, it's rough taking your childhood out on your twenties!


What Samantha talks about in her blog blurb below (and in just about everything else she writes about) echoes home closely to my heart.  If you ever want to try to understand my brother or myself a little better, especially in those, "OMG, another crazycreepysomewhatcool Crow thing?" exasperating moments, take a look-see below.  It's painfully honest and true.


Anyway, here's the blurb from Samantha Field's most awesome blog you can also check out for yourself here:  http://samanthapfield.com/


"Social Issues

socialization isn’t a freaking joke

If you’ve been around homeschooling culture for any length of time, you’re probably familiar with how they tend to make fun of “socialization.” When I was growing up as a homeschooled kid, I had “20 Snappy Comebacks” prepared in case I overheard someone asking “b-but but what about socialization?!” I’d been taught– and was firmly convinced– that when people asked about socialization it sprang from a place of ignorance about homeschooling. When you homeschool, I believed, you’re not just limited to interact with people from your grade level, but with children and adults of all ages. Through church (and, theoretically, co-ops, although I only attended one in 2nd grade), we got all the social interaction we could possibly want.
It’s ironic to me now that while I thought that other people were ignorant if they asked me about socialization (which, honest moment, they never did, probably because of how incredibly isolated I was), the fact of the matter is that most homeschoolers who dismiss socialization as a legitimate question are also being ignorant.
Socialization isn’t just “learning to talk to people like a regular human.” It’s not “having friends.” It’s not “engage in social activities.” Socialization is “the process whereby an individual learns to adjust to a group (or society) and behave in a manner approved by the group (or society).” I’ve talked about my own experience with socialization before, and one thing I can confidently say is that if we’re talking about fundamentalism, then I am socialized extremely well. I know how to walk the walk and talk the talk. I know what the acceptable behaviors and language are. I was taught to be extremely well-suited to that environment.
However, now that I’m not in fundamentalism anymore, I am not well socialized. I struggle understanding what the group parameters are, and one of the biggest struggles I face is that I have no metric whatsoever for analyzing my behavior. Was I polite? No idea. Did I hurt someones’ feelings? Not a clue. Did I do or say something weird or awkward? Can’t say. I’m slowly learning how to operate in casual social settings, but there is always a sliver of me that’s panicking the entire time that I’m going to blow it and expose myself as the weird homeschool kid.

But there’s another aspect to this “socialization” question that I’ve yet to see addressed.

Above I noted that I am extremely well socialized to operate in fundamentalist spaces, so I am intimately familiar with what’s required to achieve that and it bothers me.
Every once in a while, I’ll bump into someone commenting on how “well-behaved your children are!” Sometimes it’s people talking about how polite and happy and well-mannered all the Duggar children appear to be. A few years ago I overheard it at a not-fundamentalist church, and it was directed at a mom in a denim jumper with six kids and– no joke– No Greater Joy sticking out of her diaper bag for some reason. “Well-mannered children” is part and parcel of fundamentalist socialization, and there’s a fairly uniform code for what that means:

• instant obedience
• obedience with a “good attitude”
• joyfulness
• respectful of elders
• lack of rebellion (individuation)
• are faithful, diligent members of the religion

The main problem I have with the above is all those people complimenting fundamentalist parents on “well-mannered” children have no freaking idea what it takes to achieve children who behave like that. Children are supposed to be imaginative and express their identity and be unruly and rambunctious and explore and be curious and filled with wonder and sometimes be grumpy and unhappy and annoying.
The methods used to create children who are always smiling, who always obey instantly, who never go through individuation, who never talk back– they should horrify us because they are nightmarish. In order to achieve this, you have to beat infants. You have to strike your children multiple times a day with a switch or a board or a belt. Age-appropriate exploration must be prevented at all costs– either through things like blanket training or slapping a baby every time they reach for a necklace or your hair. You must subject your infant or toddler to brutal physical punishment every single time they show a disavowed form of curiosity about their environment.
For older children and teenagers, you have to completely disallow any form of individuality. They must agree with everything you teach them. Doubts and questions are forbidden. If they attempt to express their own identity, they must be bullied by other members of the fundamentalist community to immediately stamp it out.
Being socialized as a fundamentalist child means being horribly abused. It means being denied any natural part of growing up. So, yes, fundamentalist homeschool families are socializing their children– socialization, really, is inevitable– it’s just what they’re socializing them to. Fundamentalist homeschoolers are largely incapable of socializing their children to be capable, competent, contributing members of society because socializing them in fundamentalism precludes that.
Remember that next time you hear someone comment how cute and quaint and charming the Duggar family is.

February 11, 2016 by SamanthaField"

Here's a good article I just viewed regarding a problem I face on the reg as an INFJ:  effective, authentic communication with those I don't know or am uncomfortable around.  The struggle is real, ya'll.

Luckily for me I'm almost forty years old now.  And that means my Give A Shit meter starts running out a lot quicker than it used to.  Still, until it completely runs out, this will do as a nice reminder the next time I'm feeling stuck:

4 Tips for INFJs Who Want to Make Themselves Heard

by Molly Owens | Sep 22, 2015

Unpredictable as weather, INFJs are difficult characters to peg down. Intensely private, but with a strong desire to share themselves with the people they trust. Highly idealistic, but with a deep sense of justice that prevents them from using their energy for personal gain. These contradictions become especially apparent when an INFJ is facing conflict. Although they will do everything they can to keep the peace, if conflict is unavoidable, they can fight back in quarrelsome, irrational ways.
That’s not to say that INFJs are deliberately erratic. Rather, they adopt chameleon-like tendencies because they are both people-pleasers and very sensitive to being misunderstood. Better to hide your true nature than take the risk of people not liking you if you do open up.
The problem is, if you never speak in your authentic voice, you’re never going to get what you want. Here are some tips to help INFJs find their true voice and gain the confidence to express themselves.

Turn your Feelings inward

As an INFJ, you are highly adept at intuiting other people’s feelings, problems and emotional baggage. Interestingly, you may find it more difficult to spot and understand your own emotions. According to classical Jungian theory, this is due to the fact that the INFJ's Feeling function is directed outwardly rather than inwardly. To open up, you’re going to have to recognize and accept that your feelings are just as important as the feelings and needs of others.
Writing is a useful tool for the INFJ wishing to hone their self-expression. Grab a journal or open up a Word document and let the feelings flow. By setting your thoughts and reflections down on paper, you will become clear about who you truly are and what truly matters to you. This is your authentic inner voice, and you will refer back to it each time you find yourself struggling to make yourself heard.

Say what you mean & mean what you say (but don’t say it meanly)

As an INFJ, expressing yourself through your feelings is critical to your psychological well-being. The trick is to confess your feelings with confidence, assertiveness and kindness.
Let’s look at an example. Suppose you are meeting a friend after work. You rush to get there on time, but at the last minute your friend calls you to say they are going to be extremely late. How do you react?
If you are a typical INFJ, you probably will internalize your anger and disappointment. You will carry on as if your friend’s tardiness is acceptable (to avoid confrontation) and rage about it when you get home (to let out your true feelings).
A better option is to be honest about how you are feeling from the start. For example, you might say: “It’s frustrating when you are late, because I really want to spend time with you. Right now I’m feeling sad that you don’t value my time and I’m afraid that I won’t be in a good mood when you do arrive. Can we reschedule to a time that works better for both of us?”
Notice the use of the feeling language in this communication? You may not feel safe or comfortable being so honest with your friend. But when you use feeling language in your communications, especially if there’s some kindness around it, you are far more likely to get a positive response.

Choose your moment

People talk for the sake of talking, and small-talk does not sit well with INFJs. You prefer to dig deeper into a conversation and will often try to interact with people on a more profound or intellectual level. If no one bites, you may get discouraged and feel that you have to repress a whole side of yourself to avoid conflict.
There's no sure-fire way to have thought-provoking conversations on demand, but some social situations will be more conducive to this than others. If you are at a bachelorette party where everyone is making dumb jokes, you’re out of luck. But if you are on a long journey with a friend or having coffee with them, they may be more receptive if you make an observation about social responsibility, or ask them if they’re really happy with life.
Remember, it is truly in your personality to want to talk about deeper subjects. These topics are the cornerstone of your values. You need a regular fix of “deepness” if you are to speak authentically and let your personality shine.

Give yourself permission to be awkward as you begin to express yourself

This is not an easy transition for the perfectionist INFJ to make. You want to get your communication right. Knowing that you may not get your point across as precisely as you would like, or that others may not like what you are saying, is tough for you to handle. But you need to accept that no one is perfect and grant yourself the same degree of grace that you are willing to give to others.
Here’s the thing. The way to be liked is not to come across as faultless. In fact, the opposite is true. Our vulnerabilities and imperfections are the things that make us human, and so much more likeable as a result. Start by opening up to the friends you trust the most and then work your way up to your wider social circle. The first time you let your guard down may feel awkward, but it's often mixed with a sense of relief at finally getting your thoughts and opinions out into the world.