There's a thread back to childhood connecting everything, it seems. Much as I dislike crediting Freud, I can't dismiss his theories of working out our youth in our adulthood - often on a far grander scale.
Been reflecting on the lonely spots in my life lately. Most especially how I wound up forty-two years old with nary a wedding band dominating that long, delicate third finger of my left hand, the dead-giveaway of government-approved coupledom in the US.
My thoughts range a broad scale from simple to complicated regarding the matter. I'll try to sort them out in some sort of sensible narrative, though at times my tornadic thoughts tend to run in rabbit trails blazed by cat herders.
There's always the initial "why did I wind up like this?" question in my mind, followed by a "are you seriously being a victim about this right now?" trailed by "you know you're responsible for creating the life you lead, right?" And then I chase the catnip-induced rabbit further down the trail to its beginning.
Based on my understanding of Freudian concepts, we choose people who remind us of our mothers and fathers to date, and perhaps even marry, based on subconscious familiarity. IMHO, we pick people like our parents to take our childhood out on (right, wrong, good, bad or otherwise - it's been a mixed bag for me), as we can't usually take it out on our parents. I'm also a believer that while we can't change how our parents chose to raise us, it is our responsibility as adults to claim personal culpability for our actions and reactions - and to temper them wisely and fairly. This wasn't always my modus operandi, sadly, so I caused quite a bit of damage both to myself and others around me. Admittedly. But live and learn. And choose wiser the next go-round.
With that in mind, some major facts surfaced into my consciousness regarding my personal background history.
1. I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was five years old after quite some time of he-said/she-said finger-pointing and blame. Mom remarried a week later, out of state. To a man who was also divorced. Who was sterile and didn't really want kids, but took us on because he wanted to be with our mother (yes, this was actually spoken to us). Pops remarried not too long after that, also to a woman who was divorced (I owe so much to that precious lady!! She always made sure we knew we were loved and supported - to this very day). Then they divorced after giving us two beautiful half sisters, and he married a lady who had also been divorced. With three daughters of her own. Who, ironically, didn't really want kids, either. Thankfully, both sets of natural parents are still with those partners, so there's some semblance of eventual marital stability. Realized that's a lot of lawyer fees over the years.
2. From the developmental ages of eight to twenty, I grew up as a traveling singing evangelist with my family, touring churches in America. We started off rather slowly, just around Texas, then branched out over the years. At our peak we were in a different town sometimes up to three or four times a week. I learned how to not say goodbye to people, just "see you down the road." I also learned, after so many people coming and going in my life on a consistent basis, to cope by viewing people as "out of sight, out of mind", especially if we weren't in touch through letters (the only method we were allowed to use on the road; this was cautiously monitored by our parents). I still carry this mental process with me regarding people. When they pop back up into my life it's like they were never gone at all; I just ache more for some than others as I age.
3. I heavily studied Buddhism for a bit about ten years after leaving the road (quite the pendulum swing in the opposite direction; I enjoy studying other belief systems and how they intertwine in semantics and differ in dogma), which broadened my formerly straight and narrow scopes of life from black and white pinpoint to grayed-out elephantine gargantuan. I learned that we're all teachers and students of each other, so people will not necessarily stay in your life forever. In fact, most people won't, so let them go. The last fiance I had taught me many things over the six year time frame we were together. In fact, he's been one of the paramount teachers of my life thus far, mostly through many painful, hard-won lessons. Through him I finally discovered that relationships that are toxic are best let go, as their purpose has been served and the paths can no longer be healthy for either party. This also helped me somewhat understand the divorces my parents and their significant others endured. Why they split. How it wasn't my fault, or even about me at all, however it deeply affected me. It helped me to forgive them and (mostly; still a work in progress) let go of my expectations regarding all of our relationships.
3. I've fallen into a twitterpation pattern since that last fiance for men who are kind, thoughtful, cuddly, intensively intimate, sensitive, brilliant of mind, well-spoken, cultured, witty, talented...On a short-term basis. Who can only bear to stick around for limited occasions in quantified amounts of time. Then they disappear off to purported copious amounts of time to themselves (and, on more than one occasion, other women), then all together. Yes, the unexamined life is not worth living, but sometimes I resent the obvious patterns I miss initially as yet another charming Where's Waldo bats his lashes, then it's months later in invisible ink hindsight before I sift through the bullshit and emotions, drain the waterworks, and mental clarity sings me a Britney Spears hit: Oops, I did it again. Damn it, Steph! What the - ???
4. Definition of Insanity. If I keep repeating the same patterns expecting different results, could this possibly be boiling down to me - not necessarily them-? Am I smoking my own mirrors to miss seeing myself clearly enough to change myself, therefore my personal relationshit/p outcomes? Am I just scared of something long-term not working out, so I fall for men guaranteed to only give me short-term happiness? Am I subconsciously so used to grieving my parents' ended relationships that I self-sabotage to repeat their patterns? How do I break this?
5. And do I really want to? Is it actually me pushing them away? Do I honestly believe I'm capable of loving someone long-term?
No comments:
Post a Comment